Life is Hard

So this is a post of pure honesty. I’ve been really hesitant to post anything like this because the last time I posted something so honest, I had a clear case of post-partum depression and it all-of-the-sudden became clear to anyone that read my blog. I was still in denial, but I received so many calls from friends and family that I took down the post. 

After further thought, it was real. It was honest and it was exactly how I was feeling at the moment. I write this blog so that my kids can one day look back and see their childhood and the memories. But I also write this so that they know their mom. They know my thoughts, my happiness, my frustrations, and life through my eyes. Who knows, maybe one day they will read this and think that is exactly how I feel and it is normal. I hope it helps but mostly I hope they get a good smile out of my craziness. 

The last, I don’t know, 4 or 5 months life has been crazy. It has been hectic, it has been busy, it has been pure chaos. New jobs, 4-5 business trips, a new babysitter who doesn’t do the same things I would, sickness in the entire family, a soccer tournament in Mesquite, a quick couples trip to Vegas, a trip to Disneyland, soccer practice, piano lessons, school projects and homework, basketball practice, basketball games, a death in the family which required Rory to go to Washington for a weekend, and the list goes on and on and on. 

Last week I lost it. I don’t feel like I have control of anything. I’ve dropped all of my “life” balls and the juggler in me has failed. After several days of tears and anxiety, I’m now in the process of picking the balls back up. One by one, leaving behind the balls that don’t really matter. 

Before the meltdown, my house cleaning had taken a back seat and the clutter had taken over, I forgot to pay the piano teacher (which was a really embarrassing call), Saige didn’t know all of her sight words for Kindergarten and I was convinced she wouldn’t make it to 1^st grade, Paiton failed her spelling test, should I keep going? Needless to say, I feel like a failure. I feel like I’ve failed these kids because my job is to make sure these things don’t happen. 

We had a reset, new rules, new guidelines. I have now insisted on homework and piano is done before the kids play with any friends. I’m the new drill sergeant in town. Saige now knows all of her sight words and Paiton is passing spelling again. Slowly but surely things are starting to come back together, but it has been a really hard couple of weeks.  I hope I can make it through this school year without some time in the mental institution. I hope I don’t fail these kids that I was trusted with and hope that one day they will forgive my short comings.